Do you remember the days of amateur websites that were loaded with animated gifs, embedded MIDI files, and text of all sizes, styles, and colors? It was an assault on your eyes.

I hadn’t thought back to those old Angelfire/Geocities web sites for years. Recently, something brought it all back. I have received three snail mail “letters” from David Meltzer Photography. I have to put “letters” in quotes because they are not personal letters. His “letters” have a chain letter feel. The “letter” consists of four pages, each a different color (yellow, orange, green, and white), littered with bolded, italicized, and underlined words. Yes, the formatting is irksome, and when I open his green envelopes, I half expect a MIDI file start play Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring or the Hampster Dance, but it isn’t the repeated mailings or the obnoxious formatting that irritates me the most. It is the fearmongering. The “letter” details wedding disasters and issues “important warnings.” In this letter, David Meltzer shares “some TOP SECRET pointers for you! Pointers you will not hear from anyone else.” Because “nothing can ever make up for your wedding day going horribly! Nothing!”

Well, I’ll save you all the trouble of ever having to read one of his mailings, and let you in on the “4 Secrets Almost No Bride Knows, That You Can Use To Make Certain Your Wedding Dreams Come True!

“Secret” #1: “Before you select a photographer, meet the actual human being who is going to be photographing your wedding. Can you see how important this one person is to the romance, beauty and smoothness of your wedding day?

“Secret” #2: “Surround Yourself With People Who Love What They Do! Because I love what I do, brides just seem to gravitate to me!”

“Secret” #3: “Your wedding can’t be done over. It’s only going to happen once. So it’s crucial that you carefully select people who have very strong guarantees!

“Secret” #4: “This last “Secret” is vital. You will be very dependent on the professionals you select to work with on your wedding day. Be sure you see testimonials from clients! Get referrals and call them if you feel the least bit nervous! Again, your wedding is important to you, and you can’t do it over!”

In his P.P.P.P.P.S. (I swear, I’m not making this up.), he requests that if I’ve already chosen my photographer, then please pass his information to someone I really care about.

At least, he’s not sending me email. He’s paying $0.39 every time he sends out his marketing chain letter.